My Reality Check

It's been a long time since I've posted. Sorry, everybody. I got a new job and have been working 50 hours a week. Both my moped and bike have now become out of service, so I commute by foot now, and that takes a long time. This means I have pretty much not spent any time writing or on the computer at all recently.

I recently wrote a post about finally hooking up with a friend who I've like for a long time. Well, we decided to try the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing out. It's been great fun! I really like this guy and definitely gain a lot of emotional fulfillment out of being with him.

We decided to keep the relationship open under the conditions that (1) We always use a condom, and (2) we tell each other every time we have a new partner. This was a great setup.

But...there's a problem. I neglected to tell Liam that I'd had unprotected sex with somebody before we started dating (well, the condom broke). When this information finally surfaced, it was a large rift in trust. Having an open relationship when you can't trust your partner is hard. So both times I told him about new partners, he had a really difficult time receiving the information out of fear that I was lying about my use of protection with them, and out of fear that I wasn't using any protection. To quell his fears, I decided to get tested on everything.

I went down to the local Planned Parenthood and was shocked to discover that Rick Perry stripped Texas of all its state funding. Therefore, all services were full-priced. I dished out a hundred and fucking ninety dollars on credit (money I don't have) and in exchange was tested on every goddamn STI known to man. They said everything looked good but they'd get back to me in three days with all the results.

So yesterday rolled around and I was woken up by a phone call from the doctor.

Positive for chlamydia. Fuck.

Well that's gross. I feel tainted, irresponsible, and stupid. Luckily the fix is easy. I just have to take one little pill and then it's gone forever. It's easier than treating a UTI. But, for the next two weeks I can't drink at all and I also can't have any sex, not even while using a condom with my boyfriend Liam who surely has it too.

I thought back to all the people that I've fucked in the last 60 days, and Landon is the only one with whom it has been unprotected who didn't have clean paperwork to show me. So, he's the one who gave it to me. Though I haven't seen him in over a month, I called him to tell him that he had chlamydia and he needed to get treated and couldn't have sex for the next two weeks.

Well shit, he already knew. In fact, he knew WHEN we were having sex that he had it. And when he saw the condom was broken, he neglected to tell me to get myself fucking tested and treated. I mean, dude. It's fucking chlamydia. It's not a big deal at all. There's no reason to lie about fucking chlamydia if you come inside a gal. Just tell her so she can get the easy-peasy antibiotic without spreading it around to everybody else.

The reason why I stopped seeing Landon over a month ago was because he started having unprotected sex with another girl without getting her tested, and so he was putting himself and myself at risk. I later found out that she is Liam's ex (Liam is my boyfriend... small fucking world). After Liam broke up with her, she ended up fucking a friend of his who is HIV positive and also positive for Hep C, without using a condom any time.

So, I told Landon that the gal he was fucking was probably positive for HIV or Hep C or both just in case he wasn't already aware. Of course he broke down and freaked out and now he's going to get himself tested in two months to find out if he has either.

Shit, I dodged a bullet with him, because I stopped seeing him right before he started seeing her.

But the point is, through all my promiscuity, I got chlamydia and narrowly missed getting HIV and Hep C. That shit is fucked up. And I'm scared out of my mind. So is Liam. What a reality check.

And so we came up with a solution.

Monogamy.

Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not excited about it. But I'm scared of STIs right now, and so is he, and the emotional fulfillment that I get from him is worth the sexual frustration that I will most likely be experiencing in monogamy.

We need time for his trust to rebuild in me. I mean, first I told a lie, and then second I gave him an STI. Yeah, some trust definitely needs to be rebuilt. Then of course we need to figure out a way to really, 100% protect ourselves against STIs with other people. My guess is it will be months before the idea of opening our relationship back up is thrown on the table again.

We'll see how long this lasts. I wonder if I can actually successfully do monogamy again. I really care about Liam, so I will give it my best shot.

Point is... get yourself and every partner you have tested every three months, and ALWAYS use a condom. Don't trust what anybody tells you about if they're clean or not. They do not know. I didn't know; I didn't have any symptoms, and I trusted the empty words of my partners. Therefore, I got chlamydia and unknowingly spread it to other people.

Good luck in this scary world!!

Q&A - Age ranges

<Redacted> asks: "I'm curious about your position regarding older vs. younger partners and your experience. Please make that your next blog post!"

I love the quote by Jimi Hendrix, "Age is not a number; it's a state of mind."

I think that's true. There is a year a person is born, and there is a number which represents the number of years a person has lived, but I do not think that's what age means. Age is the state of mind a person takes on, and is a way to generally categorize ourselves. We tend to socialize and bond best with people of our own age group, because we are in similar life stages. For instance, somebody who is 40 years old will most likely have had far more life experiences than me and a totally different take on life philosophies. I've never experienced what it means to be married, have children, witness my parents die, raise a family, buy a home, etc. These are all major life steps that I so far have not taken, and therefore there is a level that I will not be able to relate with people who have taken those steps.

From a purely sexual standpoint, I think age is completely irrelevant. If you're attracted to somebody, and they're attracted to you, and everybody is consenting and everything is legal, then go for it! The oldest person I have been with is 34. That's a 14 year age gap. He's lived over 1/3 as long a life as I have. He's seen way more and is in a totally different place than I have. The sex is unbelievably fantastic, but I could not be in a relationship with him. There is just too much that separates us socio-emotionally.

On that note, I really can't stand people my own age. I hear many other 20-year-olds saying that to try to make themselves look cool and mature, but it's legitimately true. With the exception of my best friends who is 19 (she's absolutely amazing and defies expectations in maturity), I can't stand people my own age. Most 20-year-olds think they know everything about the world and think they're bulletproof. They're spiteful, jealous, selfish, narcissistic... I mean, the list goes on. Social interactions with other 20-year-olds is like a nightmare with me. They're still children.

So the idea of a regular 30-year-old dating a regular 20-year-old seems fucked up to me because most 20-year-olds are intolerable, and that 30-year-old would really have to be compromising on a number of levels to stoop down to the mindset of a 20-year-old.

However, and this may be completely pretentious of me to say, I've left that life stage that most 20-year-olds are in. I've been in a 3 year relationship with a person I lived with, I've dealt with many life traumas, I've experienced a reckless and abusive childhood, and have overall been through a lot more than most people. I grew up fast. That's just how it is. Therefore, most of my friends are in their late twenties or early thirties. Holden, who I mentioned in my last blog post, is 29. I know for a while his friends made fun of him for spending time with somebody so young, but as they've gotten to know me, they understand why.

There is huge social stigma around age differences when you're dealing with anybody under 35 (once you hit that mark, you can date upwards of 50 or 60 and not many people would bat an eyelash). But I say, if you feel you have a true connection with somebody of a totally different age, don't let social standards drive your actions. Let your own intuition and good sense help you to make the decisions that are right for you and your potential partner(s).

To conclude:

I once had a couch surfer who listed his age as 108 and said that he will never reveal the true number to anybody. He had a youthful spirit and many lines on his face. I really have no idea how old he is. I'd say as young as 25 or as old as 40. In the end, it didn't matter. He was a joy to be around!

Update


<Redacted> asks: "Is there an age that's too old for you?"

Well, for the most part, I am not attracted to men who are reaching their upper thirties. Biologically we're designed to be attracted to people who look our own age, and that instinct probably kicks in for me when I'm interacting with men right around age 35. However, last night I had an amazing dream that I was fucking a 37-year-old who I've wanted since we met. He's absolutely beautiful, but he certainly looks not a day older than 30.

Point is, if you're sexy, your age doesn't matter. You just stop being quite as sexually attractive in my eyes starting around mid-thirties. As I get older, that ceiling will obviously raise.

Q&A - Anal Sex

<Redacted> asks: "I want to fuck my girlfriend in the ass, but she had a bad anal experience with an ex boyfriend of hers (like so many women) and thinks she's turned off from it forever. How can she get comfortable having anal sex again?"


This definitely happened to me. I tried anal sex for the first time when I was fifteen years old with my first boyfriend. I let him do all the research on how to go about it and then we tried it together -- he managed to wiggle his way inside, but after that it just felt like pooping. Pretty awful. I thought I'd never do it again.

Speed up to five years later (now), and I freaking love anal sex!  I can usually get pounded as hard and as fast as in most porn. I even think that after all this time, I'm finally ready for DP (which will happen in January!)

So how did I get to this point?

The Dos and Don'ts of Online Dating -- Profiles and First Messages

I have received an overwhelming amount of questions regarding online dating and OKCupid. So I'm going to take a moment (a very, very long moment) to write out a post that is apparently quite necessary.

The first thing I'm going to talk about is...

HOW TO MAKE A GOOD PROFILE

This blog post already does a great job in describing what to do, and I've seen his OKC profile. It's really quite brilliant. But I'm going to break down my own thoughts for y'all.

PHOTOS:

The number one rule of online dating is be attractive.
The number two rule of online dating is don't be unattractive.

This means that all in all, your profile text means nothing compared to your photos. You don't even have to be that good looking, but if you have great photos, it'll make you look fucking attractive. How do you achieve this, you ask?

• Use only high-quality photos. None of this iPhone bullshit. If you can get photos of you taken by somebody with a professional-quality camera, that's best. OKTrends wrote a great blog post about camera quality and response rates.
• Make sure that all your photos are taken by other people. No self-shots, and certainly no mirror shots!
• Shirtless shots are proven to be more effective. But for my sake, and the sake of every other woman out there, please don't be a narcissistic douchebag who has a bathroom mirror shot taken with a cellphone. God, those photos are so horrible, and it doesn't matter how good looking or interesting you are; I will automatically block you and won't respond to your messages if I see this. Instead, have a photo of you playing beach volleyball, or a shot of you with the swim team, or maybe you're climbing a tree, or maybe you're surfing! Have yourself in a setting where you're doing something interesting so that it distracts from the weirdness of the fact that you're posting a partially-nude photo of yourself to attract women online.

Out of the Friendzone - How My Friend Seduced Me

Every man's worst fear is being put in the friendzone, because once you're there, you're never going to leave. It's especially terrible if she leads you on -- sometimes to the point of very blue balls -- and then friendzones you. Well, guys, I'm here to tell you that being friendzoned is not always a permanent thing, and with the powers of seduction, you can push your way past it.

For a short while, I decided to try using OKCupid. As shitty as the site sounds, and as much stigma as there is around online dating, I had a blast using it. I met ten people in total and fucked three of them.

Well eventually I got a message from censored, and it was good enough for me to give him my number right away in my response to him. He talked about rock climbing and feminism -- two of my favorite subjects -- and talked about himself as well. He seemed interesting, didn't talk about sex, and was completely literate. (Another day I'll make a post about online dating and how to write a great first message.)

I told him I had about 30 minutes to meet, and we went for coffee. The conversation was great! It flowed so well, and we each had so much to say. Well, 30 came and went, and next thing we knew, the coffee shop was closed. After that, he ended up asking if I wanted to ride on the back of his motorcycle. This was a fantastic move on his part for a number of reasons. First, I love motorcycles, and even own one myself, so it was yet another thing we had in common. But more importantly, it would force me to sit with my legs straddled over his bike and my body pressed against his with my arms wrapped around him. We went from sitting a polite distance apart from each other in a cafe to having our bodies pressed up against each other's on a sexualized object. This not only gave him a good 30 minutes of feeling my body heat, but broke the ice for touching, and allowed for very comfortable kino (see footnote) afterward. We made our way to the park and played on the playground together. It was fun, simple, and a great way to keep the date going without spending more money.

The next night he wound up in my house. Things got pretty heavy, but he put limits on what he wanted to do because he was looking for more of a relationship, and he knew that I wanted to just find a good fuck. Eventually he went home, and I ended up calling one of my other FWB to satisfy my blue balls (or ovaries...whatever).

Meeting People

Where do I meet the people I fuck? A lot of places. I met censoredon OKCupid. I met censored at school in the dining hall. I met censored on the craigslist casual sex section. (I posted an ad looking for a particular adventure, he was one of the few hundred who responded, and he won.) I met censored because he was my couch surfer. I met censored and censored in a cafe and we just started talking.

I also meet lots of people that I end up not fucking for whatever reason, or I haven’t fucked yet.
I met censored on the street. He was on his skateboard, and he pushed past me. He scared the crap out of my because I didn’t hear him coming. He apologized, and kept moving on…but he kept looking back. And I was staring at him with my mouth open because fuck, he was handsome. Then he got to the red light and had to wait for it to turn green. I managed to catch up to him before then. I walked by him and just stared directly at him. I think it made him pretty uncomfortable because he very awkwardly said, “Hi…how are you..?” I stopped in my tracks and said, “I’m doing well…you?” And then we started talking. THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT. Just fucking stare. Just talk to him (or her). Be direct. Direct, unwavering eye contact will grab a person’s attention. Stopping in your tracks to talk to a person will grab that person’s attention. Just fucking do it.