How You Imagine Me

My roommate Abram knocked on my door yesterday and asked, "How are the shelves coming?"

I looked down at the pile of plywood and hardware that I need to install on the wall. "I've just been on the computer doing squat shit all day," I replied.

It's true; aside from blogging and searching for jobs a tiny bit, I mostly wasted hours of my life yesterday on facebook, OKCupid, Reddit, tumblr, and who knows what the fuck else.

Abram chuckled, "I wonder if this is how your bloggers imagine you. I really doubt it."

Yeah, I really doubt it to. It led me to wonder what you all think of me. What do you think my lifestyle is like? What kind of house would I live in? How do you imagine I look?

I wonder if any of you have figured out yet that I'm poor as fuck. Do you imagine some girl who hasn't showered in days, who hasn't shaved in weeks, who has put makeup on maybe twice in her life, who has never colored her hair, and who wears clothes she found out of the dumpster?

Did any of you realize that for three weeks I was homeless and crashed on couches of strangers I had just met? Would it surprise you to know that now I'm living in a treehouse with 11 other people?

Have you ever thought what my daily activities are? Climbing, caving, kayaking, exploring... Do you imagine me training dogs and pounding the pavement searching desperately for a job?

Probably not.

I go home every few days and play games with my little sisters for hours. My idea of fun is making books out of paper, cardboard, markers, and crayons. I like making stamps and collecting fruit in the hot summers. I barely ever sweat.

I'm desperate for money. I'm in the negative. I have no job. My kitchen has a single can of Del Monte green beens, three limes, a half-full 2-liter of Coke, and the cheapest goddamn rum you can buy, and nothing more. I went to bed hungry last night and only got to eat today because my roommate let me "borrow" two pieces of bread and some peanut butter. I managed to scrounge up some spare change and I'm off to buy ramen later.

My legs are covered in mosquito bites that I scratch and scratch until they scab. I have cellulite on my butt when the light hits it right. If I go more than a week without working out, I get flabby. I'd probably gain 30-50 pounds a year if I didn't work out as often as I do.

When people ask me what we should do, I tell them, "Let's write songs and sing together!" I go to bed pitifully early and wake up before the sun rises. I can't go out on weekend nights because I am on the wrong side of 21 and don't have a fake ID.

Sometimes I sit around and play videogames for hours. Right now, I'm about to go to this little shop and learn how to play Magic.

The one thing that you all have probably accurately guessed is that I've got a great body. I mean it. I know that sounds terribly conceited, but I have spent hundreds, if not thousands of hours, sculpting my body to make sure that I stay in fantastic shape. And I've got large breasts and a large ass. Yep.

I don't think my readers would guess the rest of this about me. But maybe.