The Dos and Don'ts of Online Dating -- Profiles and First Messages

I have received an overwhelming amount of questions regarding online dating and OKCupid. So I'm going to take a moment (a very, very long moment) to write out a post that is apparently quite necessary.

The first thing I'm going to talk about is...

HOW TO MAKE A GOOD PROFILE

This blog post already does a great job in describing what to do, and I've seen his OKC profile. It's really quite brilliant. But I'm going to break down my own thoughts for y'all.

PHOTOS:

The number one rule of online dating is be attractive.
The number two rule of online dating is don't be unattractive.

This means that all in all, your profile text means nothing compared to your photos. You don't even have to be that good looking, but if you have great photos, it'll make you look fucking attractive. How do you achieve this, you ask?

• Use only high-quality photos. None of this iPhone bullshit. If you can get photos of you taken by somebody with a professional-quality camera, that's best. OKTrends wrote a great blog post about camera quality and response rates.
• Make sure that all your photos are taken by other people. No self-shots, and certainly no mirror shots!
• Shirtless shots are proven to be more effective. But for my sake, and the sake of every other woman out there, please don't be a narcissistic douchebag who has a bathroom mirror shot taken with a cellphone. God, those photos are so horrible, and it doesn't matter how good looking or interesting you are; I will automatically block you and won't respond to your messages if I see this. Instead, have a photo of you playing beach volleyball, or a shot of you with the swim team, or maybe you're climbing a tree, or maybe you're surfing! Have yourself in a setting where you're doing something interesting so that it distracts from the weirdness of the fact that you're posting a partially-nude photo of yourself to attract women online.
• Photos with groups of people, especially attractive women, are awesome. This shows that you are socially capable. If the photo includes attractive women, it shows that you're also capable of being friends (though probably more) with other attractive women. Women are attracted to men who are attractive to women. However, do not use a photo of you and your ex, and do not use a photo of you standing intimately close with a single female. The exception to this rule is if you have more than one photo with you standing intimately close to a single female, and the female is different in each photo.
• Have a photo of you doing something interesting. This is even better if you're passionate about what you're doing. This could be a photo of you at the beach, or pushing a kid on a swing at a park, or of you rock climbing, or perhaps there's a photo of you repelling down a cave, or maybe you've got a photo of you on a skateboard. Anything that shows you are active, or that you actively do the things you love, is a huge plus.
• Finally, do not wear sunglasses in more than one photo. We'd like to actually see your face!

PROFILE TEXT:

Women want men who are intelligent, interesting, and most of all, funny. Your profile text is the perfect place to communicate this.

• Fill out all the essays. Don't say shit like, "self-summaries are hard," or, "I don't know what people first notice about me," or, "I don't have a typical Friday night." Actually fill them out thoroughly with interesting text. Make sure not to make the profile too long, but OKC's recommended 1000 words is a pretty solid amount, and it gives us a pretty good idea of whether or not we want to continue talking to you. Anything less makes your text hard to work with.
• Lace your profile with things to talk about. For example, say, "I really love rock climbing. It's something I've done for years, and I've grown a lot from it. I've even put my life at risk a few times because of my passion for fondling rocks!" That's a great example because (1) I can ask you, "How did you risk your life? What happened?" and (2) it includes a little joke.
• Put many jokes throughout your profile. Do not say, "I'm really funny." That is shit is seriously so stupid. You're not funny if all you do is say you're funny. You're only funny if you're actually funny. Anyways, this is a great example of a hilarious profile that shows how funny he is without a single time saying, "I'm really funny."
• Do not use typical phrases with, "I'm a laid back guy," or, "I just like to have fun." Who the fuck doesn't like to have fun, and who the fuck likes to advertise that they're high-strung? JUST DON'T USE THOSE PHRASES or anything like them.

SENDING A GREAT FIRST MESSAGE

The photos are the most important aspect of online dating; the first message you send is the second most important.

WHAT TO DO:

• Keep it short, but not too short. Have about one or two paragraphs' worth of text.
• Make sure that you reference something specific to her profile. You can comment on something in the photos, but make sure you also comment on something in the text.
• Maaaaaybe give a compliment to her personality, but do not compliment her physically.
• Ask one or two questions about her. You will find the fodder to begin these questions in her profile text.
• Most importantly: SELL YOURSELF. Talk about who you are. Do not talk about your accomplishments; this isn't a resume. Talk about what you're doing with your life, what your passions are, and reference something you two have in common.
• Make sure you spell everything correctly, use correct grammar, and try not to use emoticons.

WHAT NOT TO DO:

• Don't be ugly.
• Don't use bad grammar.
• Don't ask open-ended questions (e.g. "What five items would you take with you on an island?" or, "How was your weekend?").
• Don't give any physical compliments. Attractive women are complimented all the time. Seriously, it gets old. We know we're attractive; you don't need to remind us. In addition, we want you to believe you're talking to us for more than just our looks.
• Don't give your number, ask for hers, or ask to do something in person. However, implied suggestions for getting together are allowed (e.g. "I'm a huge fan of Modest Mouse too! You know they're coming into town soon. Maybe I'll see you there!")
• And do not say something like, "I'd like to know more about you," or anything that implies anything similar. We know you'd like to get to know us! Why else would you message me if you didn't want to get to know me?

EXAMPLE:

In my personal OKC profile, I talk about climbing, dumpster diving, and there are several photos of me outdoors. So a great initial message to me would be:

"Oooh, Delicate Arch. [referencing one of my photos] I've been there before, and it was pretty spectacular. Did you do any bat country hiking while you were there? Or maybe you went climbing even though it's not allowed? You *do* mention that you like breaking rules after all. 

I've never done any climbing myself, but I do take trips <canyoneering/caving/camping/mountaineering/hiking/any outdoor activity> somewhere new every year. In addition, I'm a pretty experienced dumpster diver. You say you're new to town here. Maybe I can show you the best dumpsters sometime. 

My name's <insert name>. What's yours?"

If you follow all these guidelines, you are still going to get rejected and ignored. You will still have a low response rate, and you will still almost never receive initial messages from women. That's because there are way more men than women on these sites. However, you will receive a lot more responses, and of those responses, you will go further with those women.

And yes, still follow these rules if all you want to do is fuck a girl. If you send a message that implies anything sexual at all, you will automatically be rejected, even if she's also looking for nothing more than a fuck buddy.

Good luck!