A History of My Sexual Development

Since this is the first post of this new blog, I figure it’s appropriate to talk about the origin of my sexuality.

I am absolutely the most sexual 20-something female I know. I started masturbating to orgasm when I was about 3 or 4 years old. (Psychologists say that young children display this behavior when they experience great amounts of stress, but that story is for another day.) By the time I was 8, I was looking at internet porn. I would wake up way the fuck early in the morning, around 3 or 3:30 am to be able to use the computer without my parents’ knowledge. I would check on my neopets, gather all the free things around that silly website, and then search in yahoo “boobs” or “penis” or something. I would type random words that I thought might be pornographic into the URL and add .com to the end. Examples: sex.com, porn.com, boobs.com, penis.com, vagina.com, butt.com, and so on. Eventually I started to understand the internets better, understand search engines better, and I finally was able to find myself some nice photographic pornography websites. I’d get myself off to that, then after the flooding relief of an orgasm, I would feel sick and full of shame, so I would get back onto neopets and donate money to the giving tree and hope that I was not going to hell. Then I’d pitter-patter back to my room and masturbate to orgasm several more times before my alarm clock would go off, signaling that it was time to get ready for school.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know that touching myself down there was masturbation. I didn’t know what a clitoris was, even though I played with mine several hours a day. I didn’t know that what I was doing was fucked up for an 8-year-old (or for a 3-year-old). I didn’t know that it was supposed to be private. Sometimes I’d even masturbate in school. I’d just sort of dance on the corner of my seat until that awesome feeling overcame my body. Other kids didn’t know what I was doing or that it was considered fucked up. I knew that other kids didn’t do it, though, which gave me certain power in social circles. For instance, there was this one group of girls who liked to share secrets during recess. We would whisper secrets into each other’s ears one at a time. If you were lucky, you’d hear mine — “put your hands on your private place and rub them all around and it will feel really good.” Eventually the other kids would start dancing on their chairs too — but then they’d stop, and I was the only one who was consistent with it.

My teacher of course told my parents all about this, and my parents sat me down for a talk. They told me that this was a private activity, and that I’m never to do it around other people again. That’s when I started to think that what I was doing was wrong — that’s when the shame and guilt started to overcome me after every time I finished touching myself. I felt awful, like I was a horrible person with a horrible problem, but no matter how many times I tried to stop touching myself, I couldn’t help it. I needed stimulation for hours every day.

My parents also started to notice the internet history and confronted me. I tried to pin it on my brother but he didn’t even know how to use the computer — he was 5 or 6 at the time. So of course, they put me in therapy.
In therapy, I got to clench my hands in sand, draw pictures, and play marble games with my therapist. It was awesome. It didn’t help with anything. I only became more and more sexual.

I ended up discovering video porn. Oh man, that shit was the greatest. I could last maybe 30 seconds of watching it before I’d explode into another orgasm. This was vanilla shit, too. But man, it got me so hot as a wee little lass.

Now fast forward to middle school. I was pretty late to hit puberty. I didn’t start my period until my 13th birthday (right on the dot). After that… man I started to see boys in a whole different light. Before I would just watch adults fuck, or imagine them fucking, but once I hit that magical age of 13 I started to imagine me fucking all the boys who surrounded me. God I was so hot for boys, but I was the super nerdy, shy, socially awkward girl who watched anime, played video games, and was fluent in HTML, CSS, and Java. I never stood a chance with those boys.

But then, everything changed. My body changed. In one year I went from a stick-figured girl to a full-on woman with curves. By the time I was 14, I was wearing size 30FF bras, had the tiniest little waist, and a booty. I lost complete interest in all my nerd activities, become involved in theatre and visual arts, and started smoking pot every day. I learned social skills, I learned human depth, I learned that boys wanted me and mostly they just wanted to feel my tits.

Then one day, holy shit, I saw the hottest boy in school. His name was censored and he was 15, but he looked like he was 22 or something. Now this was a man in my eyes. He had a full beard, a hairy chest, was 6 foot something (tall enough to where I had to jump to kiss him — but I was probably about 5 feet tall at that point), and the most popular boy in school. And then we got paired together in German class. I couldn’t stop giggling. He wouldn’t stop giving me compliments in German butchered with that hideous American accent. After school I’d have to wait an hour for my mom to come pick me up, and he started waiting with me. Then one day we kissed, and oh man my whole body shuddered. I couldn’t stop shaking for probably an hour I was so stoked.
Eventually I let him suck on my tits, and I took his shirt off once — this was all done at school, I should add. But then he looked at some other chick’s breasts, and that offended me so I broke up with his douchey ass. (Now, of course, I might ask something like, “Were they nice? Did you get to touch them? Would she show me?” But of course, this was before I knew that non-monogamy was not only okay but fucking hot as hell.)

After that I played with boys here and there — the theatre backstage was really fun for me.

Finally when I was 15, I fell in love and was in a really solid relationship with a great guy. Oh, we had some fun together. I gave him my pussy and he gave me his dick, we fit them together and it was awesome. I learned about birth control, about safety, about relationship sex… and woo! we were off to explore. I was in the kinkiest relationship that you’ll find among high schoolers. We used toys and costumes and penetrated every hole in every way. We pushed boundaries, we learned about Kama sutra, about BDSM, about role-play, and more. It was fun. Then eventually we broke up after a year and a half of the most amazing sex a 15/16-year-old female will ever experience.

Of course, all that is considered boring old news to me now.